He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
The word "rod" is translated from the Hebrew word shebet. A shebet is a shepherd's staff or a king's scepter and it symbolizes authority. A shebet was used to guid sheep and to protect them by fighting off predators - not to strike the sheep.
Using the word shebet, God gives parents the authority and responsibility to discipline - a word meaning to teach, (guide and train) - their children. Conversely there are a myriad of verses in the New Testament that go against this aggressive and punitive parenting style :
1 Thessalonians 2:7
but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.
Mother is known for the tender care towards her children.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Being punitive is not one of the fruit of the spirit. But love, joy, kindness and temperance are the fruits of a parent who is BORN of the SPIRIT and Died to Flesh.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Love is kind and patient and not easily angered. The damage and the emotional trauma done is mainly because of the ANGER of the parents towards children either expressed verbally or physically.
9 As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples.
11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
12 On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
13 But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
14 Then John's disciples came and asked him, "How is it that we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?"
Jesus would love to hang out with our children who are 'sinners' according to the parents. His approach would be God desires to show Mercy and call the sinners to become righteous than a punishment approach.
Being Punitive means being Punishment driven for every little thing that others do wrong. Not driven by grace.
The children feel overwhelmed and heave laden with punishment for displaying certain emotions or for mistakes that are conventional as opposed to moral.
The children are made to feel guilty even for past mistakes. Parents behave like this because they grew up in such family environment. They emphasis justice and truth rather than mercy and put their kids in dog house everytime they feel a sin has occured.
Ask the children have you spaked them with anger.
Apologize for it and give them the freedom to point out to you even during the discipline if you approach them with ANGER.
Pray and decide to be GRACEFUL.
Think and do like What Would JESUS DO?